My grandma died today. And how it hurts. It hurts to know that I will never see her cute little smile or her eyes twinkle. It hurts that I will never watch her as she runs down the sidewalk to wave her little fragile hand as we drive away and then run inside to wave from her big window. It hurts to never hold her little body tightly in a hug. It hurts to know that I will never get to get another electric kiss from her. It hurts to know that I will never get to snuggle with her and giggle long into the night. It hurts to never be able to see her in her kitchen rolling out her marvelous handmade bread. It hurts to never have her come down to our house and bring us candy wafers. It hurts to never get to say ‘thanks for the dinner grandma. It was great’ again. It hurts to never be able to see her outside gardening. It hurts to know that I won’t ever see her eyes light up when she got to see any of her grandchildren or great grandchildren again. It hurts to never get to pick strawberries with her again or clean them and put way too much sugar in with them. It hurts to never get to hear her say ‘uffda’ again when we did something crazy. It hurts to never get to see her fluff her hair in the mirror again and apply her lipstick. It hurts to remember how she used to wash my hair in the sink and hug me in my towel as she lifted me out of the bathtub. It hurts to remember all the times when she played store with me. It hurts to remember how she would end each phone conversation with 1-2-3 Goodbye and then never hang up. It hurts to remember her and my dad in the kitchen dancing. It hurts to remember how she always had the blue trident in her purse and would sneak us a piece during church. It hurts to remember her beauty. It hurts to remember wearing a pair of pajamas she had made for me until they basically fell apart because I loved them so much. It hurts to remember going through all the Erdman receipts from church and highlighting the totals and dates with her. It hurts to remember how flexible she was and how she could touch her hands to the floor with no problem whenever you asked her. It hurts to remember doing all of the paint by numbers with her. It hurts to remember making baby doll clothes with her and being so excited to put them on my doll. It hurts to remember how much joy she found in our music and how she always would stop what she was doing and come listen. It hurts to remember watching her pick up her tattered and torn devotional and just loving reading it each night. It hurts to remember how she would read us the Three Bears over and over and just laugh at all of the crazy pictures in that book. It hurts to remember her giving me a perm and laughing about the smell the whole time. It hurts to remember holding her ear and sucking my thumb and her letting me pull her earring off and acting like she didn’t know that I did it. It hurts to think of all the times that we just spent hours laughing on the phone but also hurts to think of the times that we didn’t talk for such a long time. It hurts to see her go. It hurts to know that the lady who made such an impact on my life and so many other people’s lives is now gone from this earth. All of these things hurt, not in a bad way but in a hard way. It is hard to see her go but at the same time it is a joy.
It’s a joy to know that she is with her Savior Jesus Christ. It is a joy to know that she is free from pain. It is a joy to know that she has gone through the pearly gates. It is a joy to know that heaven is a real place and that she had made her choice to put her trust in Christ so that she can spend eternity with Him. It is a joy to remember her saying that she had to hold on and keep going while she was alive because she had to continue showing Jesus to all the people she came in contact with. It is a joy to know that she lived a life full of life. It is a joy to know that she is now with her mother once again. It is a joy to know that she is now dancing in front of the Lord Almighty. It is a joy to know that her heart no longer struggles but is soaring and praising in perfection. It is a joy to know that she is no longer burdened with struggles. It is a joy to know that she breathes with ease now and breathes in the glory of God. It is a joy to know that her head is no longer filled with headaches but indescribable awe of the Lord. It is joy to know that she stands amazed in the presence of the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and the End. It is joy to know that she is singing ‘Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty.’ It is a joy to know that I was blessed with her for nineteen years and continue to be blessed by her through the legacy that she left. It is a joy to know that she adored the King of Kings. It is a joy to know that she is surrounded by blessings and honor and glory. It is a joy to know that she is more beautiful now than she has ever been. It is a joy to know that she has a new body for her soul. She was and is and will forever be a joy.
Grandma, I thank you for your strength. I thank you for your encouragement. I thank you for your support. I thank you for raising my father. I thank you for the joy that you brought to my life. I thank you for all the hugs and kisses. I thank you for being my hero. I thank you for teaching me how to cook and sew. I thank you for being interested in my life. I thank you for your giggle. I thank you for your fervor for the Lord. I thank you for who you were and who you still are. I thank you for your smile. I thank you for all of your sacrifices. I thank you for loving me more than I could ever have imagined. I thank you for your strong will and deep set faith. I thank you for being so dang stubborn. I thank you for coming to so many of my events. I thank you for being beautiful. I thank you for having such a great sense of humor. I thank you for all of your stories. I thank you running to Jesus. I thank you for never thinking of yourself first. I thank you for all of the times you dropped everything to help me. I thank you for all of the weeks you let me spend with you. I thank you for how you loved Grandpa. I thank you for how you were such a God-honoring wife. I thank you for striving to be more and more like Jesus. Grandma, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything. And I thank the Lord even more for all of these things. He is the reason that she even existed and is the reason that I was blessed at all by this woman. Jesus, Thank you for the life of Shirley Stellmaker.
